he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The adults are the big ones right?
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