oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
