just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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