i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
