Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
