Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
