god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
