i need an iv and a liver transplant
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
