remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
barbara walters just said penis...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
