Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
