So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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