Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
