My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
