also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
