Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
