if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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