I want to walk on stilts...naked
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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