Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The uberlube is also flammable
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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