Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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