Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
