i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
