Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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