Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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