she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
