Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
as a side note pls kill me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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