Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I came so hard my ears popped.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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