This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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