At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
