he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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