You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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