the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
