I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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