fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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