I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
