how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
