we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
