Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
