so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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