Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Randomize
