we have pet lesbian snakes
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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