im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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