There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
