I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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