Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
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