ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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