Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
