i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
