I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
im six kinds of drunk right now
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
