I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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