I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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