I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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