I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
