why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
