I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
you never un-have a 4some
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
