Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
