I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
