got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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