Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
