I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
