I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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