i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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