Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Randomize
