if you like me you must not know who I am
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
