12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
