haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
