overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
