i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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