I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
