I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
