I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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