That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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