I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
